It is normal for disagreements in your relationship to get you both upset and frustrated at times. We all have arguments and misunderstandings at some point or another in our relationships. Being able to accept such differences as a part of life is what keeps marriages going strong.
But if you’re arguing all the time, or simple disagreements end up in a hostile silence or screaming match, it can start to take a toll on things. It can threaten the level of communication between you and your spouse or put extra stress on your marriage.
Do you also feel like asking the question,
My Husband Constantly Argues With Me About Everything- How Do I Deal?
My advice is to get your husband professional help. I don’t know if he has a personality disorder, but it sounds like he needs some psychotherapy. If you both could work with a therapist together on this, that would be the best. Otherwise, it sounds as if you may need to distance yourself from this situation so this will have less impact on your life.
List of Argument Topics That Are Often Only An Excuse
To help you get into the finer details, here's a list of argument topics that are often only an excuse for deeper problems.
A happy marriage is said to be one of the most satisfying human achievements. Marriage counselors tell couples to spend quality time with each other: one hour a day of uninterrupted conversation. If your conversations are constantly being interrupted, maybe it's because you two have not been spending enough time together.
- One issue to another
What usually happens is that you start arguing about one issue, but then the other person says something that triggers a deeper, hidden issue for you to argue about. You may be aware of this initial layer, but what's happening beneath your awareness is pretty interesting too.
- Are YOU aware of your husband’s EMOTION?
If your husband is arguing with you, there’s a good chance that he’s going through something and isn’t even aware of it. That doesn’t make him bad or anything. Maybe, he’s going through a mid-life crisis. And this husband of yours is probably having a harder time dealing with it because he lives with it every single day.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the argument, that we don't even look at the underlying feelings and needs that are coming to the surface. Once you do that, then you can start to move past the argument by addressing those.
A friend had this experience, her husband has an unstable job and is often out of work. To unwind after a day at home being stressed by the lack of income, he would pick arguments about everything from dinner to what she had said to their daughter, or how she talked to him. She started feeling that there was no place where he wouldn't find an excuse to fight with her and began trying to leave the house when he wasn't there so she wouldn't be tempted.
- Maybe, he feels unheard
Your husband may feel that no one is listening to him. He may feel frustrated, restless, and unhappy. His temper can be short and he can fixate on certain topics and ignore or keep saying "I've told you this before."
- Lack of intimacy in your relation
Many relationships are frustrated by an involuntary lack of sexual compatibility. Most married couples find themselves bickering over unimportant things. It's easy to pretend that the words being thrown around are coming from a place of annoyance, but it's usually coming from an unconscious avoidance of sex.
How To Handle The Situation Before It Gets Worse?
When someone is angry with you, it can feel like they're attacking you. It can be hard to see beyond all the anger and hurt feelings, but it's worth trying to understand what they might be going through.
First, identify the emotion coming up. Is it anger, hurt, fear, rejection, sadness? Next, take three deep breaths to let your body relax and concentrate on something else.
An example may be helpful here. If you notice that you are feeling drained concerning an argument with your partner where you felt powerless or out of control due to his domineering mannerisms then try this:
- Pick a time to talk it out
It’s important to make yourself heard. Pick a time when you both aren’t rushed. It may be useful to allot thirty minutes to an hour for talking about the subject you’re arguing about. Once you’ve picked the right moment, then it’s time to talk.
You’ll be able to have a calm, rational conversation in which both of you are prepared to listen to the other’s point of view. Talking it through may help the arguments stop or help you find a way to move forward without constantly fighting with each other.
- Put yourself in your husband’s shoes
Try talking about a particularly difficult argument you've had. Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
For example, if you were arguing about money, instead of saying: 'You were impossible when we were talking about our finances on Saturday - you weren't listening to me,' try saying: 'I feel upset when we argue about money because it makes me feel so bad that I can't make ends meet.'
The tone of your opening remark is crucial. You can diffuse things before they get too heated by being open and friendly, instead of aggressive.
Pause. Whatever your husband says, don’t react in a way that makes it harder to talk. Maybe he is easily irritated by confrontation and will get defensive. Be patient and wait for an opening in which he seems relaxed and amenable to talking.
- Try criticism with compliments
Keep in mind if you’re constantly criticizing your partner, they might feel like you don’t love them. So, try to balance out criticism with compliments.
Try to say how you would like your partner to change. For example, instead of saying: ‘you’re always late’ try saying: ‘when you’re late it makes me feel anxious because something bad must have happened. So next time can you let me know if there will be a delay?’
If you’re struggling to find a way to make progress, try having a ‘no blame’ conversation (as opposed to an argument) to help both of you change your thinking and move forward.
- Being empathetic and reflective
Have you ever suspected that your husband is saying one thing but feeling something else? Or do you sometimes feel he’s not listening to you?
It can be hard in a busy family with young children to find the time and space to talk about things that matter. But it’s vital if you’re going to feel connected and close.
Having a conversation like this isn't easy – when you're frustrated, tired, or under pressure. But it's worth the effort. You can stimulate a peaceful discussion by understanding each other’s point of view and being empathetic and reflective.
- Try Pause-Think-Speak method
This is hard to remember when you’re in the middle of a disagreement; your blood is up and it can feel like you’re on a roll, and one more sentence will clinch the point. But try to remember that once the moment has passed – because it always does – you’re going to look back on this and wish you had handled things differently.
PAUSE: Try to stop arguing at the beginning of a discussion - not after things have gone too far.
THINK: Say that you need some time to think about it, and come back to it later.
SPEAK: Then when you do talk about it again, ask how he feels, as a way to try to defuse the situation.
- Imagine the larger picture
One of the hardest parts about being in a relationship is dealing with your loved one, when things aren't going in the direction you hoped they would. It may take some practice to learn how to step back and see your relationship in the context of a much bigger picture.
To do this you have to look at yourself and your partner with objectivity. Take a step back and ask yourself what would make your marriage work best. Once you can see yourself in this larger picture, you can make some changes or compromises and focus on this end goal instead of feeling like every fight is the most important thing in the world.
Tips To Make Your Relationship Sustainable
If you want to avoid argument and save your relation from drowning, TRY NOT TO DO THE FOLLOWINGS,
- Don’t be a stonwalker
When you feel shut down, it’s incredibly important to keep talking. If you feel that nothing is being resolved, try to talk about your experience of the stonewalling instead of trying to stop the stonewalling.
Stonewalling is a passive-aggressive way of refusing to discuss an issue. A stonewaller may withdraw from the other person, leaving them feeling frustrated because their opinion doesn’t seem to matter.
You might say something like, “I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here and getting nowhere. I don’t understand your point of view on this at all.” Or if you can, try to get your partner to talk with you.
- Don’t play the blame-game
Criticism is often born of frustration and almost always comes with an agenda or hidden motive. It's important to remember that the problem lies in the initial statement and not with the other person. 'The problem isn't your husband's view, it's your reaction to it. You need to stop blaming him for everything and think about how you could have handled the situation differently.
One tactic to avoid letting the argument escalate is to simply start a new conversation rather than continue trying to solve the problem you are both stuck on. This way, you're not forcing the person to defend their position or their actions, but instead inviting them to share something else.
- Don’t be contemptuous
Contempt is a bad foundation for a relationship. It is fueled by a sense of superiority and a feeling that the other person is inferior in some way. It's usually accompanied by other irrational beliefs about the other person. Contempt is a contributing factor to several other relationship killers including criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The instant you see yourself start to move towards contempt, stop. Turn back. Disengage. Take a deep breath. Make a joke. Let it go. Do not let the other person see your contempt.
- Don’t put your husband in a “Tit For Tat” situation
An argument occurs when two people don't see eye to eye on a subject, but why does it turn into a 'tit for tat situation, where one person attacks, the other defends, and then the first person attacks again. It can be hard to argue with someone. You might feel intimidated or frustrated.
You’ve tried everything in your capacity, Hold On, you may haven’t used the most powerful tool.
- Seek professional help
You're having lots of arguments with your spouse, and you can't seem to stop fighting. You've tried talking about your feelings as calmly as possible, but things don't seem to be getting any better. It feels like every time you bring up a conflict, your partner turns it into a fight.
Relationship Counselling is an excellent place to find out how to resolve problems, so you can restore stability to your relationship. You don't have to live in constant arguments and unhappiness. With some help from us, you will be able to overcome these issues and bring back the happiness that you once had.
On top of this, I highly recommend you to go through Mend the Marriage by Brad Browning. His expertise and experience definitely help you to choose a wise decision which is better for your marriage.
A Note To All The Lovely Wives
I am sorry that you have to go through this but be assured that “this too shall pass” with time if dealt with care and patience. At the same, I am proud of you, all, to see you trying to save your marriage.
A calm and level-headed approach to learning how to get along better with your partner can make a big difference. Start by behaving differently yourself. Learn to disagree but respectfully. Accept that your husband is not going to change his behavior right away, so you may have to concede the point for now—at least until he knows better.
Once you start thinking about relationships as a dynamic process, you realize that no relationship is perfect, and there's always room for improvement. The challenge is to maintain progress without falling into the black hole of constant negativity.
Finding the right relationship is one of the most important things in life. So when you're in a huff about your husband, imagine how much worse it would be if you were married to someone who didn't argue with you. Everyone has their differences from everyone else. If you find yourself constantly rowing, look at what's happened recently and talk it through. You both may have done things that you can criticize and improve on. Forgive yourself and your partner, and move on.