Like all good things, relationships come to an end. For many of us, it’s a mutual decision where both partners acknowledge their differences and move on. However, sometimes it gets a little more complicated.
Resentment is an apt antonym to love all messy break-ups originate due to one of the partners developing resentment for the other.
What went wrong? Why does my ex who loved me so much, hate me after breaking up?
Your ex who loved you so much hates you after breaking up due to the pain of losing a loved one and the impact it has over their lives moving forward. The coping up mechanism is to pile up the hate which helps to manage the pain.
Cognitive Dissonance happens when there is an incompatibility between our actions and the ideas, beliefs, and values we hold.
Our minds tend to come up with various scenarios to address this gap or discomfort, so when your ex has started hating you for no apparent fault of yours.
Do not blame yourself, it's just their way of coping with the things going on.
During the relationship, there were many things about you that he/she loved and the way our minds tend to ignore all the good is by piling up the bad on top of it. So the reason your ex hates you so much after breaking up is due to their coping mechanisms at work.
Your every action may be interpreted negatively and everything you do or stand for is wrong. If you have gone through a similar experience, the fault is not yours. It lies with how your ex deals with the situation of things not working out.
The only thing you can hope for is that in time there will be a clear distinction between the real and the fabricated ‘real’ that your ex sees in you.
In the event that it is not cognitive dissonance, let’s look at a few reasons your ex hates you after breaking up.
Reasons Why Your Ex Hates You
You need to know the possible reasons why your ex hates you, this will help you to understand them and where their hate comes from. Understanding the reasons also helps you take an informed decision moving forward.
Not all break-ups are mutual, a one-sided breakup is bound to cause resentment and regrets. The regret of not doing better or not having seen how things were going wrong earlier is going to create hatred towards you.
The way to address regret is by hating the root cause, which is ‘you’. If the very cause of their regret is someone bad or not worthy to be in their lives it's an easier excuse than admitting I messed up.
The thing about blaming or regretting things is that they are temporary, once they realize that things will never be the same, and the hurt diminishes, the hate will go away as well.
Loneliness can surely be one of the major reasons for your partner’s hatred. Say you had a fulfilling relationship, everything was perfect until the day you part ways. Some of us get so used to our partners being around that loneliness hurts. This hurt turns into resentment, questions like Why couldn't we talk it out? Or Why is he/she so insensitive about things?
Being left out on your own, especially if your partner was not the one to initiate the breakup, can be very difficult to process and deal with on your own. There will be self-blame but if your ex is not able to deal with the loneliness the blame starts to turn towards you.
The hatred comes from the blame and unless they truly accept and move on, the hatred would not go away.
A lot of things that happen in a relationship are left untold. This happens from both ends and you will never know how you hurt your partner or the kind of self-doubt they have because of you.
The love may fall apart after the breakup but the scars always remain. And all the memories of getting hurt keep repeating until hatred is born instead of forgiveness.
It’s easier to forgive in a relationship as there is hope at the end of the day, to be better in the coming days. But after a breakup, this hope no longer exists and thus we tend to go for the next best option- Blame.
Blaming your partner for the hurt and all the things that went wrong created that hatred you see in your ex. They have been hurt and anger and anguish is the most likely outcome
Easier To Move On
Their hatred for you can be a very powerful tool used to move on. It’s elementary that hating someone can help numb your positive feelings for them.
You would never consider leaving someone you love, you have imagined the best life possible with them.
But say the decision was not in their hands or circumstances lead to the break-up, the quickest way to get over someone is to hate them.
This is their way to cope up with all the hurt and dashed hopes. When your partner believes, all their effort was not worth the trouble, it helps to move on.
Often seen when you are exploring a new love interest or there are tons of posts on social media about your happening life.
Your ex may tend to get possessive due to all the things he/she is missing out on.
It could be them with you in that social gathering or achieving those couple goals. The loss of missing out on all these with you causes resentment.
Possessiveness can lead to anger in some cases a direct lash out on your character. Always remember, they are hurting and none of those comments should be taken personally.
In time those feelings will fade as long as you do not take things personally and confront them about it.
Bitter About Unmet Expectations
While you were in a relationship, there were promises and expectations from each other. A breakup causes unmet expectations that lead to hatred.
It is important to note that hatred can be about unmet expectations and not about you.
Acknowledge that the promises the both of you made will not be fulfilled in the future and allow the same for your ex. Once he/she acknowledges that there are promises that can no longer be fulfilled their hatred will go down in time.
While stating a few of these reasons for your ex’s hate, I would now like to talk about the effects of this hate on you.
The Effects Of Your Ex Hating You
It is important to know if the hate from your ex is affecting you in your day-to-day life, if it is then it is important to know how? Doing so will help you address any personal doubts you have or may have.
Lack Of Confidence
If the person you used to love, the one who got to know the ups and downs in your life starts blaming and resenting you there will be a lack of confidence.
Am I that bad? Is a reasonable doubt. This may have an impact on the relationships that follow, that is why you need to distinguish between the real and they hurt.
Do not take things too personally may be one of the best pieces of advice I can give right now. However, it is also important to address the real concerns. Introspect on the points made and if there is some merit to the blame improve on it.
This will help gain that confidence you lost and help you through the relationship coming next.
Self-blame And Doubt
You will tend to blame and doubt yourself due to the constant negative feedback received from your ex.
The doubt about how to treat your future partner is the worst of all. The way negativity impacts you is by making you believe that all bad things told about you are true.
Please understand that a biased view should never be taken into consideration. If you find doubting yourself on how to go forward with the next phase of your life, pause for a moment and verify.
Talk to the people close to you and seek their opinion. This helps to filter the real from the hurt.
There Will Be More Pain
When your ex starts hating you, the pain multiplies severalfold. If getting hurt from the breakup was not enough, you now have to deal with the pain of your ex stating how you are not a good person.
For the ones who truly wanted a peaceful goodbye this hurts them even more. The doubt and lack of confidence just ads on to the pain you are already feeling.
If you find yourself in such a situation I advise you to block all such messages that may hurt you for things that have no merit. It is important to not hate back, you will just be proving their point then. Instead, just block all the negativity and move on.
You Start Hating Yourself
This is a rare scenario but happens to people who tend to believe others very easily. If you are someone like that then the hate your ex communicates can influence you to start hating yourself.
Your ex may not intend to make you resent yourself, but that constant negative vibe will get you thinking if there is something wrong with you.
Hence it is very important to not take things personally, remember when a person is hurting they will do things to make themselves feel better, unfortunately, the most popular choice is to hurt back and so you need to know how to cope up with the hate that is coming your way.
How To Deal With The Hate Your Ex Has For You
Honestly, it is hard to deal with the hate from the person you used to love but you've to overcome it, here's how!
Do Not Believe
Words spoken in anger may or may not be true, the reason for these words are not to right your wrongs. These words are generally meant to hurt you. So if your ex has vilified you, do not take it seriously.
However, if there is merit to them, change yourself to be a better person. The world expects nothing more.
Check And Re-check
Find someone close to you and ask for their opinion if you are unable to decide. To do this you need to find an honest and unbiased person.
Check and see if the opinion your ex has of you comes anything close to what the friend describes.
We can all be at fault, what matters is how we improve on it. If you however find no similarities in your character flaws, just ignore and move on. Remember, people tend to turn bitter when hurting.
Don’t Be Rude, Accept And Forget
We often get confrontational about things our ex tell, I believe that instead of being confrontational, we can accept the things which are true to improve and forget the things that do not make sense.
It is very easy to get angry and confront, but remember this, if the ex is defaming you, it is a shout-out for attention and not your character certificate!
Its Easier To Hate, Than To Show Acceptance
Any breakup can be hard to accept, so it becomes easier to turn the feeling of helplessness into hatred.
Just remember the hatred though directed at you, is not about you.
If your ex has hatred towards you it only means that you still occupy their thoughts and they are going through the phase of moving on.
There can be a lot of reasons for your ex to hate you, as failure to love often leads to hate. The hate is only due to the pain of losing a loved one and the impact it will have on their lives moving forward.
Learn to manage the hate mete out to you, you must be balanced and take all criticism objectively instead of emotionally.
Look for merit in the criticisms you receive, verify and improve or move on respectively. Lastly, I would like to tell you the importance of not confronting your ex about his/her remarks.
Any person should only confront a remark when it is worth fighting for, remember you are moving forward and if you know that there will be no productive outcome do not fight, accept this as a phase and move on happily, you deserve to!