You have a great girlfriend, she is attractive, beautiful, romantic and you love her for being real. Everything is just right in this blooming connection between you two, except this one thing. She is talking to her ex-boyfriend!
This is quite a common story I have heard from many of my friends. I will not lie, seeing fellow men feel terrible when their girlfriend contacts their ex, is heartbreaking. I used to wonder previously why that is the big deal, she is with me now and I trust her.
Fast forward to three years, I came into a relationship with my beautiful girlfriend Georgia, and life made me taste the bitter drink.
So, now if you ask me what should you do if your girlfriend still talks with her ex, then I’ll say, Talk to her with all your love and affection. Ask her for the reason behind talking to her ex? Learn to be his best friend and speak about your true feelings to her. Only an open and honest conversation in this situation will help you. But, of course, easier said than done.
Here is an article where I will speak from my experience of dealing with this situation. Hope this helps.
Signs That She Is Living With A Past Wound
Consciously and mostly unconsciously we keep repeating certain patterns of actions in our lives. If you find your girlfriend catching up with her ex over calls or texts behind your back and hiding it from you, take this as a red flag.
Her past actions do not necessarily have things to do with you, but her past wounds and patterns do. No matter how her past breakup was, she could still have some subconscious feelings for this ex.
But, what else could be the possible reasons she is hiding it from you? If you know your partner well enough, her behavior, attitude, and actions towards you, that’s gonna speak volumes. If she ignores you or seems to drift away from this relationship after reconnecting with this ex-partner, I suggest you sit for an honest face-to-face conversation with her.
Here are some situations that will demand you tension if your girlfriend is talking to her ex:
- If your girlfriend is trying to hide her conversations with her ex-boyfriend.
- If you caught her texting or contacting this ex (she did not share this fact with you in the first place).
- You find her lying and engaging in meet-ups or coffee dates with this past person.
- You will see her get physically clingy with this ex but she says “we are just friends”.
- She is speaking to her ex-boyfriend or meeting him behind your back, deleting texts from this person, and ignoring whenever you are trying to sit for a confronting conversation about this issue.
However, if the situation is vice versa and you find her weeping and lamenting, getting defensive and stressed, She needs your support rather than anger and jealousy.
Dear fellow men, I want you to understand that dealing with a breakup is never easy. Your girlfriend may have unhealed wounds from this ex. By contacting him, she could simply try to clean her mental stress, questions, or closure to find. But, in some cases, if she is not into you, she could think of cheating on you with this ex-partner as well.
The reason behind your girlfriend talking to an ex-boyfriend will vary. Communication is the only key to help you solve this situation at best.
Other Possible Reasons Why She Could Be Talking To Her Ex-boyfriend
No matter how cool and supportive that ex-boyfriend is to your girl. If she keeps constantly talking to him, I am sure you will feel the same insecurity I felt a few years back. It comes from natural human emotions when you are so deeply in love with your girlfriend.
There is nothing wrong with you or your feelings. I have seen both men and women invalidating the uneasy and insecure emotions they feel in their relationships.
I did the same after finding out that Georgia was talking to her ex. I tried being all cool about it and hardly showed any reaction or opposition towards this. However, three weeks into this, it became hard for me to swallow how terrible I was feeling.
I did my research and speaking from all that I felt in the past, here are some reasons I found could be the “WHY” for her talking to an ex-partner.
- If she pretended to be in love with you and jumped into this current relationship just for fun or physical intimacy. She will try to connect back with her ex when she is done spending time with you.
- You both have lost the spark in this current relationship and she grew apart. Your girlfriend does not get the nurturing support and love, respect, and understanding from you, she will try all possible means to leave this connection.
- Your girlfriend will also connect or talk to an ex-boyfriend if they have a really good bonding or friendship. If they are great friends and she is very open about this to you, chances are she is being honest and not cheating on you.
- Her emotions and attitude will speak volumes about her genuine feeling towards this ex. If she is still in love with her past partner, she will keep talking to him no matter what.
- If Your girlfriend is not happy in this relationship and you both share a world of differences, she is maybe planning to leave this situation. If she is done with your daily flights, misunderstandings, and insecurities, she may take the support from her ex and leave you.
- Lastly, your girlfriend is simply trying to make you feel jealous or possessive by saying that she is talking to her ex-boyfriend. If she craves your attention and support and she does not get the same, she will try all possible means to get that from you!
What Can You Do To Keep Her Centered In This Relationship?
By now, you know all the possible reasons behind her talking to an ex-partner. I hope the above-mentioned points made it easy for you to understand her approach and seriousness towards you and this connection you both share.
However, if your girlfriend has ticked off more than three boxes from the reasons I previously discussed, I feel what you’re feeling now brother.
It still hurts me sometimes to even think that Georgia was so hurt by her past that she closed off her heart way too much for me. She was smiling and happy, but from within her reality was different. Maybe she was simply trying to get over the past spending time with me. Firstly, it took me enough courage and proper communication to make her speak the truth. A few sessions with her therapist, adventure sports, yoga, and healing centered her and finally, Georgia was back.
I saw my girlfriend in a new light with her fresh vibes and dedication towards me and our relationship. It was an amazing feeling. Our relationship is now stronger than ever and we totally enjoy this.
So, let me tell you that it is definitely possible to bring her back centered into this relationship. She will take time, effort, and support from your end. Here are some tips and suggestions I recall from my story.
- Confront her about her ex
If you have come to know about her having daily contact with her ex, talk to her about this truth. Ask her about the WHY behind this. If you know that she is friends with her ex and they are just casually chatting, there is not much to worry about. However, if you find this connection changing her attitude towards you negatively or witness any heightened emotions stressing her, it is time to pull your chairs and sit for a genuine conversation over a coffee.
- Focus on healing the root cause
Once you can make her feel comfortable about sharing her truth with you, it will not be a challenge. She will know that you are the ultimate safe space for her to speak up no matter what she feels. This is exactly how you build a strong base for your relationship through genuine friendship, acceptance, and understanding. Acknowledge her emotions or any traumatic response brewing in her mind due to the past breakup.
It will be wise if you don’t stop her forcefully from having conversations with her ex. Instead connect with her to the level, where she is willing to tell you about all her truth. Trust me, your behavior plays a significant role in keeping her centered with you.
- Visit a therapist
Your girl is chatting with this man from her past and you see her react differently than otherwise. The choice for you here is to become jealous and fight with her over this issue OR to understand her pain, trauma, and unhealed wounds. Your wise actions like taking her to the therapist, supporting her from healing from a traumatic heartbreak can genuinely change her life and your relationship status for the better. Therapy sessions, yoga, and meditations, Zumba, crystal healing sessions are some of the great healing ways that can help her heal.
- Engage in more quality time
Another great way of keeping your girlfriend centered in this beautiful blooming relationship with you is by spending quality time. Dates, movies, surprise candlelight dinners are not enough. Every person has their individual likes and dislikes. I advise you to go out and explore new things with your girl. Maybe something that both of you are interested in, be it sports, reading, storytelling, music, dance are some activities. Choose anything that you can do together, invest your time, interest infused with love and respect. The more quality time you spend, the more you both will grow together.
- Nurture and support her real being
Women love to be nurtured. I am not talking about spoiling her with expensive gifts and dinner dates, lavish and glittery romantic dates, or anything of that sort. Men should learn to truly nurture their women. When your girl is vulnerable, traumatized by her past wounds, listen to her part of the story. Acknowledge her, show her where she may have gone wrong, her mistakes, and the possible patterns she is subconsciously repeating through her patterns.
Do not bring your toxic anger, jealousy, or opinions to the table, she does not need any of those. Rather nurture and support her and watch this beautiful relationship turn into a grown-up one.
- Walk together through tough times
Your girlfriend texting or contacting her ex-boyfriend may be one such chapter where your commitment, love, and passion for each other are being tested. Put your unique and genuine efforts whenever such tough times hover over your relationship and sail out smoothly holding hands together through understanding, commitment and loyalty.
- Be real and speak your truth
No matter how you feel, it can be jealousy, sadness, anger. Learn how to speak your truth to your girlfriend. Speaking your truth does not necessarily need to be conveyed through anger or harsh words. Simply and gently tell her about how you feel when she talks to her ex. If she is an understanding and respecting partner, chances are she will accept your feelings and try to sort out any misconceptions you may have towards her (as she is contacting her ex). The power of the right communication will create a positive difference in your relationship.
- Be patient
Well, most men are very impatient and intolerant when it comes to their girlfriends talking to an ex or any other guy. Most of my brothers will either roll their sleeves ready for a fight or get stressed and upset and start accusing their girl. Though I totally understand the reason behind their anger and jealousy, let me tell you this is not how you should solve a problem!
Holding your girl in the relationship will demand you to be patient, calm, and act from a place of understanding her with manly maturity. You will never understand the kind of pain she may be facing or the kind of mindset she is working from while talking to her ex. Be patient in this process and do your best to work out this situation together.
I hope these suggestions will help you enough to build a solid and firm ground for you to center back your girlfriend in this relationship. However, even after months (sometimes years) of your efforts, dedication, support, and love towards your girlfriend she may not change.
This is why I always suggest to my fellow brothers, learn about setting healthy boundaries. When you keep putting your limitless effort into a relationship, it drains you mentally and emotionally and causes unnecessary stress.
Know when to walk away from a person or toxic romantic situation. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but this experience will positively teach you all the necessary lessons for future romantic endeavors.
You have done your best brothers, and now it is time to look within!