Why Don't I Want My Ex To Be Happy?

You don't want your ex to be happy because they brought you unhappiness. Your ex made you empty promises and left you without answers. While they are doing just fine after the break-up, you are still standing there all muddled up, trying to pick up the parts of your broken heart.
Medha Sureka
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Breaking up does not mean you do not hold emotions for your ex. It does not matter if you were in a much invested long-term relationship or a brief period which felt like a lifetime. There might come a time when you think or realize that you don't want your ex to be happy. Is it justified? Yes.

Just like we cannot imagine our life or world without that one person we had loved so much. Similarly, we cannot imagine them living a happy life without us not playing any role in it.

Why does this happen?

To put it simply, it's because we are human. So, even though we are no longer in a relationship with them, it irks us, especially if the break-up was recent, to see them move on promptly or watch them live their lives happily as if nothing has changed.

However, ask yourself this – Would it make you happy if your ex was unhappy? It just got tricky. If you ask yourself honestly, keep that hand on your heart, close your eyes, and ask for once, take their name, do you want to see them unhappy?

When you receive the answer, which we both know shall be negative, proceed down to understand the reasons why you became a recipient of such a thought in the first place.

Reasons You Don't Want Your Ex To Be Happy

You can have multiple reasons why you don't want to see your ex happy. It might be that you broke up because they betrayed you. It might also be that you feel so lonely and purposeless all the time that you don't want to see a smile on their face who you blame for all your sufferings.

We have listed down some of the most popular reasons you do not wish to see your ex happy.

#1 You Didn't Think It Through Before Break-up

What is the first and foremost reason you don't wish something good to happen to someone? It's either because you don't like them or primarily because you hate them.

It is very much possible that your post-break-up, things didn't go as you had desired, or it is also a possibility that you had not worked out the post-break-up design in your mind before you decided to split apart.

Whether it was sudden or planned, forced or mutual, more often than most, we see that the best strategies do not work as intended. The result is either tasteless or bitter. 

It might be that while breaking up, you were so taken up by rage or overwhelmed with emotions that you did not plan the future. It's the same future that you had been picturing for a very long time with them. Naturally, you find yourself clueless and maybe even feel abandoned and unloved.

This realization of sudden emptiness makes you blame the person who, even with consent, dared to abandon you in the first place. You might feel that if you decided to break up, your ex should have known you better and come back to make things better with you.

Or perhaps, you are still shocked that your ex did not react to the whole idea of splitting apart and accepted it briskly.

These confusions and mixed feelings must have taken the form of powerful emotion: HATRED. Because you hate them, you don't want to see them happy. But give it a thought. Is it worth it? Hating the same person you have already spent so much time loving? Is it worth your time or energy? Shouldn't you be a little gentle with yourself? Doesn't breaking up mean not to hate while not loving them simultaneously?

Take your time, rethink your decision but do not overthink it. You are not together because you had your reasons; remember that and put off the negative emotions slowly because you know, as do I, that you are better off without it.

#2 You May Not Want Your Ex To Be Happy Because You Are Overtaken By Jealousy

Even if we don't like to admit it, we can't deny that we get jealous of those we try hard not to give much consideration in our lives; one such example is our ex. It is easy to understand this complex situation where there is an object of pure affection, your used to be lover or beloved, who has now become invalid in the sense you try hard not to take their whereabouts into account. But in the same process, what you try to break free or run away from has kept its firm hold on you.

It's not like you are tied up to them, and maybe you manage it alright when the sun is high. It gets complicated when the moon is waxing in the sky at late night, and sleep eludes you for mysterious reasons. It is then that you think, and in the process of thinking, you outdo the limit and start to overthink.

Being jealous does not come out of a particular seed. There might be a lot of reasons for your jealousy, and at the same time, it is also possible that you are feeling jealous without any reason.

If you are jealous of their happiness because they are happy while you are not, your reason is groundless. The grass always appears greener on the other side, remember? You don't know and can never really say what the other person is undergoing or feeling. It's all your mind's doing.

Tame it. Give a purpose to your thoughts and let that purpose begin with and end at you. With such practice, you will get a better understanding and grasp of the whole situation and will be able to smooth the edgy curves of wasted thoughts in the process. Always remember, your mind is your greatest resource. Use it to your benefit and not the other way round.

#3 You Might Have A Thirst To Avenge The Wrongs That Your Ex Might Have Done To You

Taking revenge, especially when someone who used to be very dear to you do you harm, is a very primal instinct. We run on emotions. While loving them, we had taken the oath to protect them even at the stake of our own lives.

Now that the situation has changed and we have declared that we love them no more, we recall the tiniest possible wrong they might have committed upon us and want to do the same.

Reread the previous paragraph, and you might realize the irony in place. The gravest human fault is that we let our emotions control us. Take a break and try it the other way round. Control your emotions by sticking up to your actions. Remember why you broke up in the first place. And let the remembrance settle.

#4 You Don't Want Your Ex To Be Happy Because You Still Love Them

You might think that it's neither a tasteful statement nor a good idea that you still love your ex. And you might consider the juxtaposition of loving your ex with the fact that you don't want them to be happy as absolutely absurd. But let me tell you, it's neither silly nor displeasing in accepting that you still have feelings for someone you used to love. It's very natural and only makes you all the more human.

Somehow a corrupted notion of "being strong" has taken a firm grip in the mind of one and all, so much so that we forget to appreciate the fine line that separates strength from being human. Firstly, you can only be as strong as relies on a human's capacity. Secondly, being meek is noble.

Rather than being strong, try the other way round. Be gentle with yourself and with others. If you still hold emotions for your ex, then acknowledge that in your way. Don't run away from your feelings, don't try too hard. If you can't talk to them, use a creative channel to express your feelings.

Try music, poems, or anything that interests and pleases you. That way, the pent-up tension within shall get a release, and you will calm down automatically.

#5 You Don't Want Your Ex To Be Happy Because You Are Still Stalking Him

If you keep an account of the transactions you make daily, then an abundance of expenditure is likely to worry you and vice versa. On a similar note, if you try to keep an account of what your ex does, or whom they meet, or where they go, then it shall bother you in the same way.

If your ex is meeting new people, that will make you sad; if your ex is doing well in life while you, on the other hand, are still trying to cope with the memories that will make you more miserable. The only way out of this is to cut the invisible thread. You don't need to know. 

Your ex's business is no more your business. Free them from your thoughts, and in the process, you shall free yourself from the captivity of either hating or loving them, of either wanting them to be happy or sad.

#6 You Don't Want Your Ex To Be Happy Because You Are Unhappy

Though it may sound reasonable, it is not so. Neither of you deserves to be unhappy and primarily not due to the other. What is the point of break up if either of you two or both of you are sad post-breakup? All the pain and misery for nothing, or worse, to repeat it?

The answer is NO. You are better than this. Believe in the process and take your time. Engage yourself in activities that make you happy.

Try new things or try the same old fixed things that would always delight you. And always remember, you are enough. You don't need to rely upon anybody else to bring you happiness. You cannot gift happiness. You must create it.

#7 You Don't Want Your Ex To Be Happy Because You Never Got A Proper Closure

It happened to me. When we broke up and had to, unfortunately enough, share the same space because we were working for the same company, I would feel a shiver down my spine whenever I would listen to him defending company policies with such skills.

He somehow always had so much to say. It would irk me that why did I never get an explanation from him? What had gone wrong? Why do we have to break apart? Where is my closure?

It's disheartening, yes. It is also very challenging to pick yourself up from that pit of doubts and dilemmas and carry on with life as if nothing has changed. But now, when I think of it, I feel I am better left without closure. 

Closure or no closure, we both knew that the spark had diminished, and maybe that was it. Perhaps neither of us needed another reason at that point, which again is okay. It is okay not to understand everything. The human mind is queer. It works in strange and mysterious ways. 

Many scientists have invested many years of studies, yet it is unclear how it works. Everybody can offer their individualistic input, but nobody can give you any proof. So when the machinery itself is such, why bother about its working? It will only jumble you further. Moreover, it is not worth your energy.

Discover your reasons to be happy. You shall get them in plenty. Let bygones be bygones. There is nothing much to be mended now. Get over it and start a new chapter with yourself.

#8 You Don't Want Your Ex To Be Happy Because You Don't Talk Anymore

If you were on talking terms with your ex, the situation might have been different. The fact that you two don't speak anymore makes it all the more challenging to cope with a sudden upsurge of emotions when you feel like possibly damaging the other person emotionally so that they share the same space as you. Yes, that is about it.

Even when apart, you want them to share the same room with you, if not physically than emotionally. If they were feeling the same feelings, undergoing the same turmoil, had wanted to make you unhappy too, maybe then it would have been alright. Because that would have meant an investment of emotions, so what if it's negative. What you don't like is their indifference.

But guess what? That is precisely what you need to move on. How else will you carry yourself forward when you keep getting back to them?

What Should You Do To Get Over This Feeling Of Wanting Or Not Wanting Your Ex To Be Happy?

  • Be Future-Oriented. Make two columns and list things that are crucial and necessary to you in the first and the luxury and not so essential items in the second. Spell out people's names in this list too! People who matter count; include yourself in the list. When you have it ready, ask yourself, are you on the right track to achieve all these, or are you simply wasting your resources?
  • Take a Break from Everything, Sit and Introspect. Ask yourself the fundamental questions. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? How will it bring happiness to you? Who is accountable for your happiness? Are you doing the right thing?
  • Control Your Emotions and Not Let Your Emotions Control You. It not only gets tricky, but the situation gets out of hand if you run primarily on your emotions and instinct. Practice keeping a thirty-second break between your thought and your action. Before you speak or do something, close your eyes and ask yourself if it's worth it. Remember that whatever you feel right now is momentary, but your action speaks out for your character. It is permanent.
  • Express Your Emotions. Sometimes, we need a medium and mode of expression and maybe a patient listener. The listener can be anybody. It can be your ex, it can be your friend, it can be your parents, and it can be you. Talk aloud and keep the tap running until the tank is empty. Once it's all out, you would feel as light as air and as free too!
  • Stop Stalking Your Ex. Yes, you read that right. Just stop it once and forever. It doesn't mean you need to block them on different platforms, delete their contact from your phone, or take a break from all the social media platforms yourself. No! It only means that you need to do justice to the whole process, and that includes both of you. Don't ignore, don't avoid, stop. Trust me; you don't need to look left or right, be you, and keep walking with style.
  • Do Things That Brings You Happiness. It can be a small act of kindness, some social service, a blind date, or your favorite movie. Spend more time doing things you like to do. A happy soul can never wish unhappiness on any other! If you are satisfied, then everything will automatically take its usual flow.
  • Rechannelize Your Energy in Creative Outputs. Dance, sing, swim, play sports, paint, write, draw, sketch. There are many ways to release that pent up anger within you in a substantially attractive manner. Negative emotions, when filtered correctly, can create and make things more beautiful and sublime. Don't believe me? Try it out yourself!
  • Read More Short Stories. What's that again? Reality isn't romantic; the novels we read have made us believe in such romantic notions to be true. Contemporary short stories are mostly open-ended. This would make you realize that the idea of a happy ending is not very realistic when put to practice, and most stories do not even offer you an ending. And that's how life is. We don't always get closure, and it's alright. Short stories always come with a gripping plot and are a brief read. Try stories by O'Henry, Anton Chekhov, and Katherine Mansfield.

What Should You Not Do When You Don't Want To See Your Ex Happy?

  • Do Not Be Rude. It's okay if you need your time and you feel like you want to see your ex unhappy, don't convey it, and let that unsettling thought rest within till it abandons you altogether.
  • Do Not Stalk Them. One way of not wanting to see them happy is not to see them at all. Stop stalking. If you don't know what they are doing or having a party, or spending time alone in a box, the question of wanting them to be happy or not will not arise.
  • Do Not Visit Old Memories. Don't read old chats or see-through old photographs. Let bygones be bygones. You will not be able to move on if you keep revisiting the past.
  • Do Not Try to Connect With Their Friends. If you are talking to their friends, you will talk about them. To forget them, you need to stop talking about them. Meet your friends or make new friends. In this age of social media, seeing people comes handy. Make a new group or circle, don't let the old pattern repeat.
  • Do Not Forget to Love Yourself. Always bear in mind, you are your first responsibility; everything else falls next. Make yourself the priority. Whatever actions you undertake, try to figure out how you will benefit from it. Don't waste your time on anything that is futile or would fail to give you something fulfilling in return.

What If Your Ex Tries To Contact You And Express Their Emotions (Love Or Hatred) For You?

Stay calm. Thank them for their expression. Tell them that you are proud that they could gather up the courage to talk it out. Remind yourself why you are doing all these in the first place. Give yourself a tight hug. Bid them goodbye!

To conclude, happiness and sadness are parts and parcels of life. You can neither steal it nor destroy it. You can only share it. Share your joy and make yourself happier by making others happy; participate in someone's sadness, lend them your shoulder and bring a reason to smile on both of your faces. You have a pretty soul. Wish only pretty things on one and all.


Discussion

Start a conversation. Or give us feedback.

2 comments on “Why Don't I Want My Ex To Be Happy?”

  1. I read all!! You are right, reality isn't romantic but not all the time. not any feeling is permanent in this human life. Some sacrifices and adjustments should be done to stay in that relationship if that relationship is WORTH for. It's easy to say to get over from ex until Yu get an example from a fellow person, who shared the same pain. I am seeing that person, who writes poems and supports others through her words!! that pretty soul also gets pretty things too <3

  2. Breaking up with someone is a bitter experience and watching our ex find happiness before we do makes us even more miserable. This article is an honest reflection on what goes on in our minds. And also provides logical tips on how to cope with the situation.

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