The Female Mind Control Handbook
Exes can be a real pain sometimes. Even when they are long gone, they can still create a problem in your current life. So, when you see your girlfriend's ex keeps calling and texting her, it mostly means he wants her back or he is seeking revenge. Their motto is to create unnecessary tension between you two.
We all have our pasts. You might meet your soulmate who has had 3 to 4 relationships in the past, but she is the right one for you. It's up to those two individuals to handle their history and move on with their new life together.
Your relationship will see many obstacles, and one of them can be your girlfriend's ex. He can pop up out of nowhere and fuel the wrong fire into your relationship. But remember one thing, no third person can break your relationship if you two have the strongest bond. Never let her ex's call or texts be the reason for the failure of your relationship.
Even when you two had clear conversations about both of your past and hold no grudges about it, you may still be flooded with many questions if your girlfriend keeps getting calls and texts from her ex.
You will think- why does she still have his number? It should have ended now. Is she back with her ex? Is she cheating? Will all this lead to trust issues, a whole lot of fights and arguments, loss of love, and eventually the end of the relationship?
But let us first address why her ex is calling or texting her in the first place? What can be possible reasons for that even if she doesn't respond to his texts or calls?
There can be several reasons why he is disturbing her. The most common is when he is jealous of her current relationship. It can also be that he still has feelings for her. Or he wants to remain as friends.
In this case, ask her why she is still bearing him? Is there something you should know? Ask her to message her ex and clear that she doesn't want to get involved. Ask her clearly to block his number and stay away from him. Not responding but still keeping his number can make her ex think that your girlfriend still wants him, but she is being nervous or hesitant.
Before getting your head deep down in anything, you need to clarify these questions first.
- How frequently does he text your girlfriend? Did it start recently? Do they call or text regularly or on occasions?
If they talk once in a while, they are just friends. The chances are that your girlfriend and her ex are on good terms after the breakup and are just casual friends, or she may be just being polite to him. If they communicate frequently, this can happen due to several reasons.
Her ex suddenly wants to connect because he misses her or, in some cases, it's jealousy. He might be jealous that his girl is with you, not him.
- Why would her ex contact her even after she has moved on?
Getting calls and messages from an ex is not always a sign of concern. It may be related to unfinished business between your girlfriend and her ex. It can be anything from taking stuff back, giving a casual birthday gift, taking advice on some situation, and so on.
In this scenario, you don't need to worry as this is a short period of communication and doesn't mean anything.
- Does she show you what she talks about with her ex? Is she honest with you?
Here comes the part where TRUST is tested. If she shows or tells you about what's going on between her ex and her, then you should take a deep breath and relax. She is trustworthy and values your relationship. She let it out with you. Now you should trust her and respect her loyalty.
You both should be on the same page when there is a crisis in the relationship to come out with the best possible solution.
Reasons Why She Keeps Responding To Him
Before you start analyzing her ex, you must know why she responds to him? She could have stopped all kinds of contact way before. Well, let's have a look at the reasons.
#1 She Still Has Some Feelings For Him
If the breakup with her ex is still fresh, she might have some feelings for him, especially if your relationship is a rebound relationship. A rebound relationship is when you break up with someone and then jump in for another love scenario without getting closure from your last one or without proper healing.
Feelings fade away with time, and things get back to normal. However, you need to understand that she needs some time to get over her ex. Give her that love and affection she was missing in her last relationship. This will strengthen your bond and help her move from nosy ex.
#2 She Wants To Be Friends With Him
Phone buzzing ex is not always a threat. Everyone is not the same. If your girlfriend had a peaceful breakup or ended up on good terms, that means she doesn't have any hatred for her ex. If she is calm and casual while communicating with her ex, that indicates they both are good friends, and your relationship is safe.
However, if she spends more time chatting with her ex and values him more than your relationship but says he is just a friend, then you should be concerned. Some want the cherry and the cake too. Your girlfriend wants to be friends with her ex because she didn't want him to hate or forget her, but at the same time, she wants you to.
This can be a tricky thing to tackle. One thing is clear that she loves you more because she is in a relationship with you, not him. But it annoys you when she keeps an extra friendly relationship with her ex. It hurts, I know, but instead of telling her to cut him off, communicate with her honestly.
Help her understand that she doesn't need the validation of someone she is no longer with, you are with her, and as long as she loves herself, nothing else matters.
#3 She Has Some Deal Before Letting Go
When a connection ends in most cases, many things are left unsaid and undone, which could be emotional or material. It might be a possibility that your girl longs for closure and wants to say what was unsaid to clear the air between her ex and her. If she doesn't do this, she might end up overthinking things that can affect her current relationship.
If it's about material things, she may forget something important at her ex's place, and her ex wants to return that. Other causes can be related to work. If your girlfriend and her ex are work buddies or used to work together, they may have some work-related issues to discuss. If they study together, they may converse about classes and projects. This is common for her but can still be irritating for you.
But you have to be a bit practical and understand from her perspective. Let her talk to her ex if it's about work or projects but at the same time, politely communicate what you feel here, ask her to love you a little more. There is no shame in asking what you need.
#4 She Is Cheating On You
If she is cheating on you, you will know about it. Eventually, the truth will come out. You may find some messages that approve of your girlfriend and her ex's relationship, or you will see her with that ex. Something will strike up.
Be patient. Please don't jump to the worst conclusions, don't overthink it. Just focus on yourself. It hurts but keeping a keen eye on her will make you seem suspicious, and she will hide it more. You will never know the truth if you keep poking her with questions. If you caught her cheating, leave even if she tries to stop you, leave.
After reading this, you have an idea about what and how serious your situation is. Now you are aware of the reasons for your girlfriend to respond to her ex. But what should you do? Your girlfriend and her ex may be good friends, suffering from nostalgia, work partners, but this play involves three characters.
The role of the two characters is clear, but what about you? If something fishy is going on, then your worry, concern, anxiety, and anger is valid, but even if things are not so negative, you still feel annoyed by those calls and texts. It still messes with your head, and you cannot focus on other areas of life. Let's dive in and understand what you can do in this complicated phrase.
Tips To Ease Tension Between You, Your Girlfriend, And Her Ex
There are many ways to deal with your heart and mind when things buzz you out of nowhere and sweep you off with a wave of sadness. We listed the most effective ones below to help you with this. Dive right in!
Tip 1: Don't Panic And Act What You Are Not
Ugh, you are angry and want to break something out of nowhere. You want to beat the pulp out of that annoying ex, but will it be okay to react on your impulse? NO! Never do such things because doing so can give you temporary satisfaction, but your better half will be afraid that you will hesitate to tell you the truth.
Besides that, showing the impulsive side makes you seem like something you girl experienced in her past connections and is with you just because you are not like everyone else.
This will be a bonus point for her ex because now he can say the universal ex phrase, "I told you he wasn't the one." It will make cracks in your connection. So, do not panic. A calm and practical mind can get better solutions than a mind full of emotions. Take a deep breath and think twice before reacting in such sensitive situations.
Don't become something you are not just because you feel a sudden urge. Wait for some days, divert your mind. If she clears things with you by herself, then good otherwise, tell her about the whole situation that bothers you. Be calm so that she does not feel uncomfortable, and finally, you both come up with some real solution.
Tip 2: Communicate What You Are Feeling With Her
"Communication is the key to any successful relationship," yes, it is true, but communication must be honest too. Sometimes we don't want to initiate the conversation with our partner because our emotions run too high, and we think we should make the first move.
We always come up with excuses like- "It is not my fault," "I am not responsible for this besides that she is the one talking to her ex or getting calls and texts from her ex, it's not me.", etc.
If it disturbs your peace of mind, it needs to be addressed. Select a good time to converse with her. Check her mood and vibes. When she is in a good mood, communicate with her honestly. Be clear and direct.
It seems hard to initiate such a topic, especially if the relationship is new, but it is as easy as entering a new grade at school. The first day seems hard but ends up simpler than we thought. Same way, sharing and being vulnerable can feel scary and burdensome, but the process only gets smoother once you start opening up.
Tip 3: Ask Her Directly And Notice Her Behavior
Now comes the actual conversation part. Ask her direct and clear questions you feel are relevant in your situation. Don't try to be too humble or nice. You may end up saying something more complicated than it already is. You will end up confusing her and asking her the question, "What is he even saying?".
You don't need to always be on the good side just because you don't want to upset her. A relationship cannot be happy all the time. Notice how she behaves. Is she calm and answers you normally? Or is she uncomfortable and trying to avoid the conversation?
If she is normal like she always talks, then it means that she has no serious business with her ex, and you should forget about it too, but if she is hesitant, dig in deeper. Ask more questions to understand her situation. Read between the lines. Her words can lie, but eyes and body language never lie.
Tip 4: Trust Her
The next step is to trust her. Trust is the building block of any connection. Trust is tested when relations go through a difficult phase. Be understanding to your sweetheart. If she seems to relax and steady and says there is nothing serious, trust her but if she seems a little troubled and uncomfortable, trust those actions.
Instead of lashing out, try to make her feel comfortable and tell her that you understand and love her and she can be honest with you. If she still keeps cutting communication off, give her some time.
Don't lose your calm. Wait for her to get ready. Once she is ready, try again. This waiting is hard, and we tend to become impatient but try not to flow with emotions. Sometimes the delay is better than regret.
Tip 5: Still, Confused? Call Close And Trusted Friends
You did what you could, but your mind is still resurfacing that ex who is just a side character. It's totally fine to feel that way. We often tend to hang up on negativity rather than appreciating the positive things in life. You are alone over in this. Hundreds and thousands of people get confused and tangled up again and again in that same never-ending loop.
Instead of getting stressed, talk to a close and trusted friend about your situation. We all have that one single friend but gives relationship advice like he owns a marriage bureau. Talk to that friend, or maybe talk to that online friend who understands you more than your real friends.
Friends are the magic wands who can make your tension disappear like Voldemort's nose. If not for advice, they ask such silly questions that you will forget why you were even stressed in the first place. Take some time off. Go on a trip with friends or do a conference video call.
What You Should Avoid In Such A Situation
- Do not get clingy: You want to show her you love her more than her ex but don't overdo it. If you suddenly act too clingy and lovey-dovey, she might get confused and will think you are weird.
- Do not stalk her: Stalking is invading privacy. She might get upset and angry if she finds out. She will think you don't trust her, and things will get messy.
- Do not reach her ex: Don't call or text her ex without asking her first. You don't know whether her ex is lying or telling the truth. You may end up confusing even more and doubting your girl. Nope! You don't want to do that.
- Do not breakup: Anger and emotions are valid, but ending everything will cause more stress and sorrow. Have a mature conversation. If needed, take a short break, but don't end it on impulse.
- Do not compare yourself with her ex: Her ex is an ex for a reason. The fact that she left that person got heartbroken, and still chose love again with you! You are special and way better than her ex. Never compare yourself with your girlfriend's past.
- Do not post it on social media: Social media is filled with people with a negative mindset. Don't post your relationship matters out there. People will trick you into thinking and doing something you don't want to do. Things stay for a long time on social platforms. Your issues will end after a while, but people will still gossip and judge you after years because that post is still there!
- Do not cheat: Just because you have ongoing ex's drama in your connection doesn't mean you will do the same thing. You are better than that.
Relationships are fragile. A connection cannot be happy all the time. It has its highs and lows, but it depends on how we ride on those highs and lows.
Love is an inexplicable emotion. Love is something that happens while we run on these rocky paths, fall off, get injured, and somehow find a way to get back up and laugh on those injury scars together. But love is not the only thing that keeps the relationship going. Trust and understanding each other play major roles too.
*Note: Special thanks to Saisha for her contribution; Saisha is a contributing writer of Relationship Sort-Out. This article is reviewed and edited by our very own Ahiri C.